this is a test post.
I am not important enough to have an office.
I work in a cubicle. However my cubicle has tall walls and a chair, whereas some cubicles have low walls and not enough room to host guests so I don’t mean to brag but I’ve kind of got the Cadillac of cubicles here. My Egg and I are very comfortable in the space we have.
For most of the day, I stay plugged into my computer. Just me, gmail, headphones and databases. I’ll get in the zone like Tiger Woods and bang out reports one after another without even realizing that I skipped lunch. It’s what I do, it’s what I know, it’s what I’m content with.
But not everything is All Gravy in cubeland. No siree. Everyday I have to evade the eavesdropping ears of my co-workers. It’s like, the office can be rocking- fax machines going, people shuffling into the conference room, phones ringing, laughing, coffee brewing… BUT the second my phone rings and its someone like my doctor or my mother? Dead silence. All ears are focused in on my test results. Everyone wants to hear what my mother is making for dinner Sunday night.
Another thing that just makes me smile is the cubicle knock. Anyone that works in a cubicle knows this knock. When someone wants to come and talk to me, before the enter my small 9×6 area, they’ll give a little knock on my cubicle wall as if I were in an office and had a door. It makes me smile because well, it’s kind of hilarious. There’s no door there! Come One Come All! I couldn’t stop you if I tried!
But it’s sweet that my co-workers are so courteous. Even if they do talk about my personal calls by the water cooler behind my back. The fact that they will still pretend that I have a door on my cubicle, is very heart warming.
It’d be cool if I did have a door to my cubicle. I mean, I’ve pondered the idea of hanging some beads in the entryway–college style– but I’d much rather have a solid door. Even if it’s just a piece of plywood with hinges screwed into the cube wall. Put one of those sliding viewer doors on it so I can see who wants to talk to me without having to open the door. Then I could just have them slide papers they need to give me under the door. . .
Those of you who work in a cube, whats the worse part of working in a cubicle, in your opinion? What drives you insane?
I watch the history channel. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am an avid History Channel Watcher Person but when I am not watching sports, I will occasionally throw it on and attempt to learn something new.
I especially like to watch all the shows about the 2012 Phenomenon. I enjoy watching all these crazy scientists attempt to explain to us why they think the world is going to change after the year 2012. It’s hilarious. There’s always some dude with glasses and a pony tail that is some sort of expert on Native American culture that tries to convince us that we should start shoveling our own bomb shelters now because nobody knows how the end of the world is going to play out but if it’s anything like Armageddon we are going to need to live in a bomb shelter for several days.
And just like that last run-on sentence, we should all never stop trying to find the truth. We should devote more resources to finding out HOW these Mayan’s were able to figure out that the end of the world lands on December 21, 2012 because obviously, their calculations and scientific technology was far more advanced than what we have now.
NASA is such a joke.
But the show does make me think. My first thought is always- this is bullshit. Our doomsday is based on a couple elementary style finger paintings by a guy named Nostradamus, who- ironically, from the picture that I’ve seen, looks a little like John Cusack with a beard. And a telescope.
Right? Well, maybe not- I think it’s just the forehead. Kind of shiny. Anyway, what I am trying to say here is that these documentaries DO make me think (even though I am mostly cynical about them). They make me think twisted thoughts like- if the world WAS ending in 2012, they would probably not allow the History Channel to make a documentary about it, right? Because I have the sneaky suspicion that if the world was going to end, they would never tell us until like, minutes before it ended. Which? strangely enough, I’m OK with. Or maybe they WOULD make a documentary about it because nobody ever believes these documentaries and it would be very double-0-agent of the government to do something like that.
And what IS the government doing to ensure that 2012 doesn’t mean the end of the world? Actually, they never say that 2012 will be the End Of The World, they just say we are going to go through some crazy solar alignment that will cause a whole bunch of natural disasters and I imagine that the world will probably look like how it does in the movie Waterworld. WHY DO I KEEP POSTING ABOUT KEVIN COSTNER. I hate him but obviously he deserves his own tag. You know, if I actually tagged my posts. Anyway, is the government doing anything to ensure that this Mayan calendar is actually wrong and we all are going to live past 12/21/12? I mostly ask this because I want to know what the hell NASA does with all my tax dollars!! I mean, I think it’s great that they made a sofa that contours to our back but please tell me that they are sometimes paying attention to the stars and solar alignment and the black hole too.
I dont even know where to go with this post. Part of me wants to just rant and rave about NASA, another part of me wants to make fun of Nastradamus and yet another part of me wants to write about John Cusack. I feel like this blog post is just a random pouring-out-of-my-brain-on-a-tuesday-afternoon. I’m sorry.
It’s official, I want a truck.
I’ve owned a couple suv’s and never really thought too much of them. They were OK, nothing particularly special about driving them. The other day I drove a truck and the experience blew me away. It’s like people knew- don’t fuck around with that guy in the huge truck. There was a moment, when I was driving this big truck, where I saw an old lady thinking about crossing the street. She took one look at me in this truck and immediately changed her mind and I’m pretty sure it’s because she KNEW, I wasn’t playing no games.
Not playing NO games. I know a certain someone that is going to HATE that sentence. She’s a total grammar Nazi. She loves to correct me when I pronounce “Pho” as Fo instead of Fuh but I adore her for it.
ANYWAY, bad grammar aside, I really want to get a truck. If for no reason than just to be able to name it something awesome. I feel the same way about having kids right now, part of me only wants one so that I can give him/her a mohawk (because it’s your right as a parent to give your child a mohawk if you want). Recently I’ve been asked what the name of my car is. Well, I don’t have a name for my car- mainly because well, its a car. I mean, what does a guy name a car? Is it supposed to be a masculine name? Am I supposed to be driving something with a dude’s name? It cant be a feminine name like, April, that would just be awkward. I also think it’s a little weird to name non-human things, human names. My mother does this with dogs all the time and although I would never tell her, it kind of crushes my soul. If I had a dog I would name him Spike or Dingo or Spot or just Doggy would be good enough for me.
So my car has remained nameless, even though I love my car and always treat it like a member of my own family. I take care of my stuff- I polish my shoes, dry clean clothes, my car is no exception. I think though, when I get a truck, I will name it. I will name it something awesome like what monster trucks are named.
The Destroyer
The Grave Digger
The Equalizer
El Matador
Yes! The list goes on: Maniac, The Stone Crusher, The Screamin’ Demon! Thats what I am taking about. Internets- help me out. What should I name my truck, based on some examples of what I like above?
I’ve been an avid boxing fan for my entire life. I have vivid memories of being five years old and wearing boxing gloves and a mouthpiece around my house all day. The other kids in the neighborhood wanted to play with GI Joes and Micro Machines. I wanted to skip rope like Roberto Duran. They would play games of basketball making believe that they were Isiah Thomas or Dominique Wilkins, I would pretend to be in a round robin sparring session with Marvin Hagler and Ray Leonard.
In high school I used to idolize fighters like Kosta Tszyu and Roy Jones Jr. I can tell you exactly where I was when Lewis knocked Tyson out with a right hook. To this day, I still get giddy with excitement when someone mentions the Julio Cesar Chavez vs Meldrick Taylor fight (Thunder vs Lightning).
It’s the greatest sport ever created.
I firmly stand behind that statement- however, the reason I am writing this post is because Boxing has disappointed me lately. The kind of disappointment that you cant just overlook and not say anything about. If you follow boxing at all, I’m sure you already know about the deal that went awry between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. You can play the blame game all you want, lord knows, I have debated too many people about which of the two was right and which was wrong but the only thing that really matters is- this fight, the biggest fight in Professional Boxing (right now), is not going to happen. Not now and maybe not ever. This enrages me, more than I can even explain over a single blog post, so when people tell me that they are angry about this, I understand. I empathize with them more than they realize. When they tell me that this is the reason Boxing is going to fall to the UFC, THAT is where the argument begins.
Because as great as Superfights can be (think: Ali vs Foreman, Leonard vs Hearns, Chavez vs Whitaker, De La Hoya vs Trinidad) they don’t make or break the entire sport of boxing. As disappointed as I am in Mayweather and Pacquiao (Yes, BOTH of them) it won’t make me think less of Boxing as a sport. Neither fighter is bigger than the sport itself.
I think about some of my favorite fights I’ve seen and they arent always big ticket fights. I think about the Mickey Ward vs Arturo Gatti fights. I think about a young Erik Morales vs Anybody. Jose Luis Castillo vs Diego Corrales. All amazing fights. I think about some of the younger fighters who are up and coming like Andre Ward.
No, this failure to put on a Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight won’t break Boxing as a sport but instead, it’s killing two great fighters who both belong in history books. Its a shame it didn’t happen. Its a shame for us and for them. Its completely possible that neither fighter see’s the bigger picture here.
Roberto Duran’s legacy may be forever clouded by two words “No Mas”. Two words he uttered right before he quit against Leonard in the eighth round. Its arguable that he even said those two words, however he is still viewed as a quitter to some Boxing historians. If two words are enough to damage the great Roberto Duran’s legacy, just think what this back and forth between Mayweather and Pacquiao will ultimately do for their legacies. They will forever be known as cowards because in Boxing, you have to fight the best to be the best- and somewhere along the way, that mentality went down the shitter.
And when I really think about it, it’s that mentality that I miss in Boxing these days. I’ve never been an Oscar De La Hoya fan ever, but you know one thing about Oscar I’ve always admired? He would fight anyone, anytime, anywhere. It almost seems like thats an old school way of thinking and thats whats truly a shame. Its the fighters mentality now, that disappoints me.
Its time for boxers to Man Up.
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Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend. And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
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PS- there is a video put together by the awesome LiLu which can be found on her blog Here.
PPS- Those are wolf ears I am wearing in the video.
Costner loves wearing tights
So I hear that a new Robin Hood movie is coming out this year and we all get the pleasure of seeing Russell Crowe play Robin Hood. That is, if you actually decide to go to the theatre’s and watch the movie. I won’t because I think the combination of Kevin Costner and Bryan Adams have forever tainted the tale of Robin Hood in my mind.
Plus, I’ve never liked Robin Hood. I’ve always sort of thought he was stupid. Not because he’s a total socialist and the “ends doesn’t justify the means” sort of thing. No. . . I don’t like him because I’ve always thought he was boring. I mean come on, the guy’s skill is archery, he wears green tights and his best friend, Little John, is an expert with a bow staff. In Robin Hood there were no guns, no flying through the air, no amazing car crashes or police chases- and the icing on the shit cake was, they had KEVIN COSTNER play Robin Hood. How sad is your life when they get Kevin Costner to play you? Pretty sad. Sadder than when Apollo Creed died in Rocky IV. And I know Kevin Costner played Wyatt Earp and JFK- but in my opinion, thats a result of horrible casting. My girlfriend feels the same way about Keanu Reeves playing Neo in The Matrix. Good plot and I’m sure they meant well but who hired the casting crew? Seriously. Russel Crowe isnt going to be the band aid that covers up the wound formerly known as Kevin Costner. If the original was horrible, you cant just add things to it and make it better.
Unless you think about VH1’s Pop Up Video. I actually remember them taking horrible music videos and making them somewhat entertaining. My favorite episode was the “Phil in the blank” episode they did over the video for Phil Collins Sussudio.
But making an entire Pop Up Robin Hood movie just doesn’t seem feasible. I mean, there’s only so much trivia my brain can handle. Have you ever played a two hour game of Trivial Pursuit? By the end of the game, the answer always becomes “2006 Olympic Games” (inside joke, unless you’ve played the 90’s ed. of Trivial Pursuit).
Also, I remember one time I got conned into going to a renessiance festival by a couple buddies of mine because they told me something along the lines of “The food there is fantastic” and I still to this very day, haven’t forgiven them for making me go to that so called festival. I almost had to cut some jester dude for making fun of me in Olde English slang talk. I’m serious, if I’m ever forced to go to another one of these shindigs again- these renessiance people better not start any shit with me because I will literally go MEDIEVAL on their asses. And nobody wants that. Nobody. Not even Robin Hood and his Merry Men want that kind of trouble.
Before I end this post, I have to comment on how stupid “Robin Hood and his Merry Men,” sounds. I mean, come on. Merry Men? Sounds like Santa is his sidekick.
Get a better character, a better plot, better scenery in a more awesome time period- and I would totally watch Robin Hood. But until then I will have to decline, no offense Russell Crowe. No need to get crazy and start throwing phones and shit.
The post where I take Neurotic to a whole new level
Published January 5, 2010 Uncategorized 48 CommentsOne thing I can never do is create a solid voicemail greeting message. So for my whole life, I have used the default message. You know, the “Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system”.
Well, saying that I’ve used the robot greeting my whole life would be an exaggeration of sorts. Of course, back in 95 when I had a pager, I had something fun like Coolio’s first two verse’s of Gangsta’s Paradise as my greeting.
Then, once I got a cell phone I had the epic Dialing Wand message for a couple years. Most people actually hung up after hearing the operator and never listened to what was actually being said. . . but every now and then someone like my grandmother would hear it and wonder why I have a black heart.
So I’ll re-phrase, for the last 6 years or so, I have had the default Terrible-Horrible-No-Good-Very-Lame robot message. All because my lack of skill in the arena of recording messages. I never know what to say. I’ll sit there for far too long, rehearsing what I’m going to say, then once I start recording- my mind goes blank and suddenly I sound like Studdering Stanley. I imagine my messages are as awkward as the conversations that transpire between Kobayashi and his therapist when he’s questioned as to why he feels so compelled to stuff phallic shaped foods down his throat.
ANYWAY.
So then I write something down. But we all know that never works because when you read off a napkin it just doesn’t sound natural. It sounds exactly like what it is, scripted and I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I actually care about what I sound like on my greeting message. That would be stupid- I mean, who puts effort in to voicemail greetings?
Not me.
What are you supposed to say, anyway? I never know what to say. I would want it to be something witty but not cheesy. Something funny but not offensive. Something manly but not sexist… the perfect voicemail greeting message. It’s impossible.
And yes, I know there’s a generic greeting that just allows you to say your name so that people know they have the right number before they leave a message but honestly I just think those types of greetings are stupid. I dont have a reason as to why I think they are stupid, I just do.
So tell me, whats on your voicemail greeting to your phone? I want to know so I can copy it.
So of course my office had a white elephant gift exchange where I got this little gem.
Some of you may have seen my tweet, making fun of it. I felt really bad for naming it Humpty (sidenote: I actually debated with a co-worker if eggs had a sexual organ or not. Clearly I believe they are asexual but my co-worker felt that the egg is more of a woman because well, where do eggs come from?) . However, I already named it so there was no turning back and changing that- If it wants, it can re-name itself when it gets older.
Anyway, I didn’t give Humpty a fair shake before immediately judging it. It’s not Humpty’s fault that someone decided to draw these awful gold plated birds and scary ancient symbols on it. So I decided to open up my heart and let Humpty in. The rest, as they say, is history.
We are now Best Friends Forever. We do everything together.
- We drink our morning coffee together
- We check our email together
- We analyze Important Office Stuff together
- We go on conference calls together
I really don’t know what I did before Humpty. It’s like, I was alone and didn’t even know it.
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